i remember damage

09/15/25

a friend of a friend is no friend of mine

08/23/25

being content with being boring

08/12/25

anniversary of an uninteresting event [cw]

03/07/25

gay OC lore / writing confliction

02/22/25

SSRI talk cont. / the ballad of a lost strap-on [nsfw]

02/20/25

entry number #1 / feb-april 2024 reflection

02/20/25

song ((d[-_-]b))

You know, I understand how to use toyhou.se and some similar things, and yet this site (neocities) continues to confuse the hell out of me, so in all likelihood I will be figuring out more as I go along and potentially breaking things in the process– if some shit looks jank, this is probably why! A friend put this website together for me, and I am doing my best to wrap my head around it and learn over time.

Last year left me in such a bad state that I did away with a majority of my known profiles, between my health issues and the loss of numerous relationships–which, I am still dealing with the aftermath of as we now enter the, uh... equally concerning state of 2025, to say the least. Around this time last year, I was actually doing really well, though–well enough to where I felt acclimated & healthy enough to look into getting off some of my meds, which my doctors at the time approved.

I could get off SSRIS! I'd made it to something I'd been looking forward to!

Buuut then April happened, and with it went two of my close relationships, which culminated in me not spacing things out like I should've and slipping into withdrawal and dealing with brain zaps among other things.

I'm still dealing with it, admittedly, mainly in regards to cutting off my father as it's something I've fought with my entire life–but where do you draw the line when someone you love constantly says and does things that hurt you? It's made me very bitter, I think as a means of coping, since on the one hand I can say that he never was much of a father anyway and that he's overall a sad sack of shit, but on the other, I'd fought with making this decision for so long as I felt that it would almost be... wrong, or cruel to him–that it was almost something owed to him, just because he is my father I guess, and so we are forever tied that way, but realistically he is an awful person and something I would never tolerate from any other person in existence.

Forgiveness can be a difficult concept for me in these instances. I feel sorrowful at the prospect that I will never achieve a normal relationship with either of my parents, and I continue to grieve this and wish that circumstances were different. I know it won't change, and yet it still feels so fresh despite the fact I know they've both been this way for 25+ years/my whole life. The last phone call I made to my father, I think it was around 15 or 20 minutes long and predominantly consisted of me screaming at him and just saying things that have been in my heart and head for a very long time. Part of me does feel bad, but I am simultaneously glad that I was able to get it out.

I would've liked to think that things would be better this time around, here in 2025 but things are still rough and rough for everyone right about now. I am trying to be more open towards the idea of posting publicly again, but my anxieties have not left me between the worries of being watched and things like misunderstanding Internet social cues. I would love to do things like invite more people online to hang out, but it does continue to confound me the dichotomy between the reactions to stuff like this in person versus online; I cannot read people nearly as well through text, and the last thing I would want to do is bother anybody, so I think I tend to just shy away or shy away completely at the slightest hint of wondering whether someone online dislikes me and struggle to understand how to naturally make connections on the Internet nowadays. Everything feels so much more hostile.

I dearly love my real-life friends and the people around me, though there can be a specific social drainage to in-person activities, nor is it always even possible between our varying schedules and obligations–and so I know it would still be beneficial to try to make more connections online again; I know I need to try to not let my prior experiences ruin it, but it is hard, even more so when I'm left wondering what's still happening. I want to feel safe, I want to feel welcome and happy, I truly do miss how the Internet once was such a safe haven for me and hope I can at least achieve some semblance of that once more.

02/22/25

*this entry contains nsfw content*

song ((d[-_-]b))

One of my fears with getting on antidepressants to begin with was wondering how it would affect my libido–and affect it did! That shit sucked! Everything became so fucking unfulfilling, but my mental & emotional health were in the gutter, and I knew that regardless it was necessary for me to get on something at least semi long-term.

So, I went through the motions, found myself back in therapy and ultimately on lexapro, I put on the weight that I sorta expected to, and it ended up being something I would stick with for several years–but, it did help! For a time. It did genuinely help me function and just, exist in conjunction with therapy for a while, but eventually the side effects became so horrible that I believed it was doing more harm than good; I could not sleep, I would constantly be sweating and wake up drenched in sweat and/or having intense, vivid nightmares (and sometimes, terrors), and while it could be argued that I was overall doing better, I was also struggling severely with my body image due to the weight I had put on as a result of it. It made work & everyday life harder too, between needing to be outside & dealing with the heat and the general exhaustion I was feeling from a perpetual lack of sleep.

Cue me last year looking into finally getting off of it, as I thought that I was ready.

(I was not)

Of course, as life does, it proceeded to slap me with a slew of horrific events immediately afterwards; it made transitioning off of it difficult, and I more so cold turkey-ed rather than doing it like I should've. I ended up in an intense, deep pit of depression and psychosis combined with suicidal ideation, and I started to feel things I hadn't in a very long time–the palpitations, the hyperventilating, the near ever-present paranoia and just feeling completely & entirely out of my own skin.

That period of April through the summer was one of the worst times of my life in recent years. I know I wasn't acting like myself and that I behaved in ways I deeply regret and recognize were reckless & unfair to those around me; I tried to downplay how badly I was doing, out of a habit of self-preservation and not wanting to burden those around me, but I recognize that there were definitely things I could've done better and that I should've & still do need to work towards improving on my honesty and reaching out rather than pushing things down until it explodes; it's something I know I can oftentimes forget, that I have lovely people in my life who do truly care about & want what's best for me despite what my brain can say, and I know that I need to appreciate them more and not sometimes be such a constipated asshole with my emotions.

Now that my SHIT IS MORE IN ORDER however, one benefit of being off of SSRIs is that I've started to get back into kink more now that I can... you know, actually enjoy it and not feel like jacking off is the equivalent of a static TV screen. I lost my fucking strap though, RIP to her I don't know where she is so I said, "eh, why not," and spoiled myself with some new goodies, which has been fun :)

Finding better language to express things in the meantime has helped too, I think; I realized that I'm aromantic, and looking into it & further within myself has helped me better understand my boundaries & limits and what I am capable of offering. The last thing I would want to do is hurt anybody, but I know that in both sexual & non-sexual instances alike, my prior failure to even really just understand myself may have caused harm–so, now I'll do better! I want to be responsible and considerate and caring, which I believe is the bare minimum for those involved in kink & BDSM in particular anyways.

I haven't had any real nightmarish experiences this time around, thus far–awkward, sure, but I feel that's pretty normal and normal especially when you've been sorta dormant and ~out of the game~ for a while. I've been reminding myself too, that many of my experiences were when I was like, 22-23? Of course I did stupid shit! I had a bunch of dummy ideas and misconceptions! I was inexperienced! I'm much more comfortable with where I'm at now and aware of all things that should be considered.

03/07/25

song ((d[-_-]b))

I love writing, it's always been such an escape for me and a way I found able to articulate things much better than I could through speech. I don't do it nearly as much anymore, though, which I think has made me sadder. I used to enjoy it so much, I remember the time(s) of being in college roleplaying through email and LiveJournal, but now it all feels like something impossible to recreate; I don't know where to start, which is immediately overwhelming for me in conjunction with my ADHD, and maybe I am just fucking old and grumpy, but I really do not want to be forced into joining things like discord servers.

I don't inherently have a problem with groups or group activities; I think it's more so a discomfort surrounding my experience(s) in person versus online–I have no issue with groups or crowds IRL, however my experiences with things like servers have almost always left me feeling out of place or talked over etc... I do/did not enjoy it, other than when it has consisted of people I've already known or I specifically was introduced to others by friends. The prospect of complete strangers greatly unsettles me.

There is also something to be said about the general increase in hostility online nowadays, but I digress.

I would like to get back into writing more again, and sharing it as well, I think. I know I have developed a fear of sharing my writing more, which has resulted in me clamming down and limiting the things I now publicly share; part of it has had to do with things like theft, since while I guess I can't stop anyone from copying my character designs if they really want to, there are things like aspects of lore that I find deeply personal–and so I've felt a need to protect it, even if it's technically not all that original; I don't care, since regardless it is important to me, particularly in the case of Graves.

There is reasoning behind why he looks how he does etc., though I know he's often been chalked up to just being an edgy sorta blasphemous guy–which, I mean, yeah partly he is, but again, there's much more to it beyond this, if anyone would be willing to listen–

If I want to share it, I know. Therein lies the problem.

I could share and talk more about him, but would anyone really care? Is it preferable that he's just a faceless edgy-looking dude?

I don't know!!! I don't know what I want!!! I don't know what to do!!!

The art itself isn't the greatest considering how old it is, but nevertheless, it is somewhat precious to me (especially what with how my relationship with art has dwindled over the years) that he's a character I originally put together on my own and that he is so reflective of me and simultaneously somehow so loved; maybe this is dumb, but it never will fail to make me happy when others seem to like him so much in part for this reason. Of course, I am not some zombie goat-man IRL, but he is reflective of me in a lot of manners.

We'll see whatever happens, I suppose.

08/12/25

*this entry contains mention of disordered eating and suicidality*

song ((d[-_-]b))

Dunno if my hiatus from updating the site is over exactly, but hello. I don't really have an outline in mind for this entry and am kind of just writing down whatever, so it could be all over the place.

This year continues to be a whirlwind, to say the least. I am both saddened and numb by how relationships in my life continue to shift, but I guess that's just where it is; it's an ugly season, both metaphorically and literally, because Jesus fucking Christ do I also hate the summer. It'd been a while since the last major crisis in my life, but the questioning of relationships it brought about then is not unfamiliar–still nevertheless annoying and painful, as it is, and I cannot wait for it to be over. One could say that my mid-20s are indeed shaping up to be SOMETHING.

I still feel joy in the little things and everyday moments, of course. But I don't think I feel any less weirder reflecting on certain anniversaries in my life, even as time goes on. It's been a couple years now since I stopped smoking, although that one is of less significance to me than others. Another anniversary approaches, this one of the last time I had purged, and it fills me with complicated feelings.

Realistically, I know it's an awful thing to ponder, but I do sometimes wonder if I'd be happier having been that way. I don't think it's something I can really explain or put into words; it's always just in the back of my head still, and I think only those who have also experienced it or other forms of eating disorders can understand. I don't know if it ever truly leaves you, along with remembering things like how people treated you when you were in actuality at your unhealthiest (you are viewed as "skinny," people more often openly refer to you as "sexy" or "pretty," you observe the way(s) people treat you based on their interpretation of you being someone thin & conventionally attractive etc.)

I know I'm not even really that chubby currently, but regardless it has been a battle with me trying to work off the weight I gained on medicine and balancing doing it in a healthy vs. unhealthy manner; I know I'm bad to myself sometimes and still end up doing stuff I shouldn't, because it bothers me and I want it gone. My brain is annoying, and I would beat the shit out of it if I could.

So can I really celebrate if these things are still happening? Am I allowed that victory even if its remnants are continuous? I've bought cigarettes since too, I never did smoke them, but I would be lying if I said I didn't and that the thought had not been seriously considered; it's another craving I still deal with.

Addiction is awful, I also remember the other things like my time in a psych ward and the frequency of death in my childhood. But again, I don't think people can really understand these things unless they've experienced it themselves, and it's so hard to talk about; I may have not known more of the exact words or methods for it, but I've been dealing with forms of self-harm and combating wanting to die for the better part of around 20 years of my life.

I've been listening to Oceana (Birth.Eater) a lot again lately. While it's not an album I grew up with, it's become very sentimental to me and is probably one of the most important albums I have learned of in the past few years. Although it's technically Christian in nature and covers themes like the regret(s) of someone having an abortion, I don't entirely see it that way, and it comforts me a lot especially concerning familial trauma. I learned of it from a very close friend, who has their own issues & complicated feelings surrounding their relatives, and I think that there's a sort of comfort and brotherhood of its own in that too.

08/23/25

song ((d[-_-]b))

I know I may be repeating myself, but I am once again going to try to commit to actually using & ((regularly)) updating this site especially given the state of everything (re: growing censorship of the interwebs etc). I don't know when or how exactly I'll go about it, but I am also more seriously considering hosting my writing or at least some bits of it on here; offhand, I don't know how to go about adding a section for it and am contemplating just shoving it into the regular blog-type entries (with an adequate amount of warnings). ANYWAYS.

I've never been fond of social media–but also, of sharing anything and everything just in general and being buck naked to the world; nothing about it appeals to me. Internet safety aside, I am someone who values my privacy and requires this be respected from friends and those who would like to be in my life.

It isn't personal, although I have sometimes seen it be taken this way and have been guilty myself of feeling hurt by friends not sharing things I was never entitled to (and this still happens! 'cause we are human, after all). I immensely value being respected for whatever it is I am comfortable with & choose to share and simply do not enjoy nor want to almost, like... track and record what I am doing 24/7 for others (because it certainly would not be for myself). I might take some pictures if I believe a friend may like or want to know, but it isn't something I always think of or that occurs to me, since I just... don't really operate like that. I do quite like to pick up trinkets and souvenirs and things (for others), but that's more often spontaneous, I think. I don't know, I don't even bring my phone with me all the time whenever I'm out or at a gig if I don't have to–blah blah blah, forgive me for my brief stint of gatekeepy-y wording here, but standing around trying to get photos at shows 'n shit often comes off as tourist/tiktok-y behavior to me, and so it is something I frequently look down upon and do not wish to engage in; I vastly prefer to live in the moment and not be concerned with things like that.

Maybe I am somewhat selfish in how I navigate this, although I truly do not mean any harm and, of course, appreciate friends simply taking an interest and trying to show this. I avoid dating/serious romantic relationships in-part because of the way I am (besides the fact I am also aromantic), since it's just not something I believe I am largely capable of or compatible with due to my inherent need for space & privacy; I've felt as if I was living under a microscope before, both in romantic and non-romantic situations alike, and it's not something I ever want to repeat, and I know that it can & has pushed me away from commitments prior.

I think it might just sound like me being modest or self-deprecating, but I do mean it as a genuine warning when I tell people that I am boring–because I am boring by the way(s) many people may perceive me and just know that I more than likely will disappoint them if I can sense that they have certain expectations. I figure part of it has to do with the way we've grown to consume things, but I really do feel as if I sometimes have to emphasize that I'm just a person–and a very private person at that–who is not necessarily always up to these grand, extravagant escapades and that I don't always have the most interesting thing in the world to talk about or twenty art/OC-related things to share.

While it's still not something I'm 100% satisifed or comfortable with, I have at least come to accept my own introvertedness more; I used to hate it quite a lot, but I've realized that it is just how I am and that I can & will jive with the right people. I also don't know why it seems to be such a foreign concept to some people that, you know... you have to actually talk to and spend time with people for them to open up more? That if you really want to get to know me, I welcome you with open arms and personally would love to see you putting that effort in, especially as someone who is shy? It's tiring feeling like you're always the one who has to reach out or say something, or that your own interests and such are never all that appealing.

That's on a bit of a tangent, though. More on that for another day.

I really want a pickle right now.

09/15/25

song ((d[-_-]b))

SIDE NOTE BEFORE WE ACTUALLY GET INTO IT: Do you know Converge? Have you listened to Converge? I think you should perhaps listen to Converge and check out their discography or the song here I have linked.

"I don't like the vocals" - you are weak and a coward and will be devoured by the beast at the end of time. The vocals aren't stupid, you're STUPID (this is a joke, I love you).

Hiii, hello, I re-emerge from the depths once again. Wowza.

Been doing a lot of thinking and introspection lately, especially after more recent events. I've found myself wondering why this keeps happening, why I put myself in these situations, and why didn't I notice things sooner. They say hindsight is 20/20, and goddamn, yeah is it; I feel like such an absolute fucking idiot now for being so obtuse.

Why do I do all this for people who don't seem to give the slightest shit about me? Of course, things shouldn't necessarily be done under the expectation of receiving something in return, but continually doing things for those who treat you poorly or disrespectfully can beg the question of how does one see themself to tolerate & almost reward such behavior-especially when it comes from those who claim to care about you, or to be your "friend(s)."

What is a friend? What constitutes as one? Is it a title to be earned or something more carefree? This can vary so much by person, which is another thing I've been pondering. For some people, all it takes is being "mutuals" on social media or having a friend in common to automatically, also, make them friends-but, I don't see it this way. While it's not my intention to be standoffish, I know I need to be more critical of opening myself up to people just because they happen to be close to or know someone already in my life.

I am not your friend, and you are not mine just because we have a common denominator. You do not know me, and I do not know you. At best, maybe we are acquaintances, but if you would like to actually foster a friendship with me, then that requires its own amount of time, trust, and investment-and this isn't selfish, and it honestly kind of pisses me off when I see people imply that it is.

Ultimately, all relationships are transactional, and I've had to tell & try to teach myself over the years that me sometimes even just wanting an occasional simple "hello" from supposed friends is not selfish; if a complete stranger can do it, why can't they? Why has it sometimes seemed so outlandish or impossible for me to want that? Why has it sometimes resulted in me almost being scolded like a dog when I've tried to express this? What is the point in us being friends if this is how you are going to treat me?

To clarify: I know people are busy, that's not what this is about. I am referring to people who want or expect automatic, zero-effort relationships or who actively even hurt or neglect their friends and/or have the mindset that they "don't owe anybody anything." It is preposterous to me to have almost had it thrown back in my face recently, when I confronted a (now) ex-friend about them lying to me to then be accused of acting "entitled to their privacy," and no matter what I said, they did not seem able to grasp how it could've appeared to me nor remorseful. Yes, I had a breakdown that resulted in me not being the most clear-headed or coherent, but I still spoke an amount from the heart and was very much affected by it.

Is it wrong of me to want honesty from my friends? Is it wrong of me to feel hurt by technical lies of omission? Of course, there's a lot of nuance here, and it isn't really this black and white, but also in my experience, if someone is willing to lie so flippantly or about unimportant/mundane things, then they are often willing to lie about so much more.

I have sometimes excused questionable behavior from friends, and understanding each other's struggles & battles is one thing, but patterns of behavior are another; if someone has or develops a history of lying or being shitty, then that should and needs to be considered. There comes a time when you need to really sit down and weigh everything, and sometimes that ends up coming too late.

You might love them, but are you okay? Do you feel heard? Do you feel seen? Do you feel undeserving of being treated better?

Friendships are complicated, and there is no one perfect way to navigate them-I'm imperfect, sure, I have been an awful friend at times too. If you are like me, even though it's not always easy, you still have to try loving yourself just as much as you love others, and you are deserving of being treated with respect and dignity.

It is not wrong to want to be loved just as much as you love others.